My Theory On: Douchology

Recently I have been discussing the concept of Douchology (aka: Douchebaggery, Douchiness, etc) and I've decided that this should be the topic of my next post. Allow me to explain why I feel this is important:

When I first arrived to University of California, Someplace, I was sure that being at a "top of the line" school would get me away from the douchebags I had to live with back home. The first day went by, and I was completely oblivious to the amount of tools that wandered my very campus. I was so naive, so innocent, and then I saw them: a group of "brahs" wearing backward hats, white tank-tops, v-necks showing their overly tanned chests, and flip flops, all saying things like "Shit was so cash," and having an undeserved sense of self worth. These guys just screamed problems with daddy, sexuality self-consciousness, and social ineptitude, all compounded by a low level of intelligence. Not to mention that stupid grin, the one that says "I have sex with women and then never speak to them again to prove my sexuality because I'm afraid to admit to my friends that I enjoy looking at them when we all shower in the gym after a good pec-buster." Yeah, you know the one.

Later that week I had another encounter. I was approached by many frat-bags (douchebags that stem from a fraternity) at the on-campus welcome celebration. They were inviting me to join in their homoerotic, moronic activities which they confused for fun. I refused their invitation politely, only to get the "Alright brah, you'll regret it," response. Now, it wasn't the fact that the guy was wearing a shirt that was way too small for him, or that he had sunglasses on when it was almost 10:00 PM, that made me hate him immediately. No, it was his false sense of belonging. How dare a douchebag actually step out of his circle-jerk (a figurative circle of douchebaggy friends, often associated with fraternities, sports teams, etc) and attempt to integrate with an even semi-normal person like myself.

The worst part about this second experience was not only my shock that I would be approached by a douchebag, but the fact that I really could do nothing in response to this hideous breach of society's boundaries. I wanted to say "I'm sure I won't regret it as much as your mother regrets ever pushing your oversized, useless head out of her vagina," but I couldn't! This is due to the fact that all douchebags must strengthen themselves in an effort to gain a defense from the rest of humanity.

You see, the problem with being a douchebag, besides - well - being a douchebag, is that they are not accepted by a majority of the world. They may have the upper hand on skanky sorority girls, and their fellow "bro's" but they are ultimately shunned by those who actually matter. Thus, they are in constant danger of people with any level of intelligence defending themselves with their brain. The only way a douchebag can defend himself then, is with an intimidatingly unnecessary workout schedule. This doesn't mean that everyone who likes to work out is a douchebag; instead, it should be understood that every douchebag needs to work out in case someone ever tries to outsmart them.

For that reason, I knew I could say nothing about his mother, for in the douche world, if you do not defend your mother's honor with violence, you have lost all standing among the top douchebags (something I will have to get into at another date).

So, I leave you with some advice:

1. Never communicate with a douchebag. Your level of intelligence actually lowers simply by standing near one. It has been proven.

2. Remember that the only way a douchebag can undouche himself is by: crying in public, being discovered as a homosexual, or getting higher than a C- in any class they take.

3. Not everyone who looks like a douche is a douche. Douchebaggery isn't a style, or even a manner of acting - it is a way of life. So do not confuse them with people who like to wear American Eagle or even Abercrombie and Fitch (one of the key signs to spot most douchebags). You will know when you see a douchebag.

4. And finally, for your own safety, blend in. Don't try to challenge a douchebag, you will only find yourself frustrated with their inability to form full sentences or use correct grammar. Instead, ignore them and throw out words like "dude" and "bro/brah" if necessary to keep them from thinking you are too intelligent.

Happy hunting!